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I have just returned from a jog. I’m amazed to state that statement. It seems it could have been many years since I last did so. But It came to my attention that my levels show slightly high cholesterol, and the recommendation was to do sweaty exercise on a consistent basis.

For the first time ever in living memory that my motivation to work out has been my bodily well-being. During earlier years, I jogged because I wanted to lose weight. At times I ran to alleviate my anxiety – I was merely escaping from the worry, instead of dealing with it. At other times, I exercised because I wanted to enhance in running. This was the definition to me at that time to create an improved existence.

Jogging with altered intent at present sparked reflection about the ways I’ve interacted with my body during my years and the way it’s evolving as I move from early adulthood to midlife. It seems unlikely I’ve valued my body, not truly. I’ve appreciated it only for its roles and the objectives it served me: seeking approval; avoiding feelings; running a faster five kilometers. Previously, I failed to grasp that my body represents me, it is my life, rather than a tool for outcomes.

A great deal has been written over the centuries about the split involving physical and mental aspects – which it’s comforting to know, I’ll avoid detailing here. What has struck me most fascinating is Sigmund Freud’s view that mental and physical selves are developmentally integrated right from the start, because physical maturation requires mental growth and the reverse is true. A baby’s physical sensations – like the bodily feeling of hunger – drive the brain to build the ability to identify hunger as an emotion that can be sated by eating; and the mental reassurance and satisfaction consistently provided by feed after feed feeds the child’s mind in the same way the nutrition sustains them physically. So too emotional occurrences – like the desire to rise and grab an object, and the resolve to persist through effort – are why and how the body develops power. Starting at birth, our body and mind are interconnected in mutual development as connected as a double helix.

Yet I have noticed, during therapy with my analyst, that mental and physical aspects can be in an alternate dynamic – a less unified and increasingly manipulative. My mind might utilize my physical self to retain and display elements that my consciousness considers undesirable or unbearable. During therapy we’ve become aware how there are certain emotions that I fear I can’t handle; rather than feeling these psychologically, I unintentionally push them into my body, becoming trapped as bodily signs.

I used to get digestive discomfort – which had nothing to do with my diet, but represented a form of corporeal reaction of the more acidic feelings I couldn’t digest psychologically. This wasn’t an intentional act, but once it was raised to awareness through therapy, and my fear and insecurity and frustration and alarm could be felt and expressed verbally rather than changed into bodily feelings, it disappeared. I rarely suffer with digestive issues currently.

The toughest period I endured this intense reflux, I didn’t sleep for several nights in a row. I felt I was slipping away from my sanity. I visited my doctor, who organised various scans and tests, but everything was physically wrong. It turned out to be an alternate medic who suggested that the origin might be emotional. My psychoanalyst concurred. I was surprised, but I recognized it was accurate.

Whenever someone experiences a bodily issue, they might feel insulted upon hearing that there might be an emotional origin. It can seem this as being disrespected, hearing that their illness is fabricated. Certainly such cases occur – people can have their symptoms discounted or misdiagnosed. Yet occasionally it might be that the physical symptoms are genuine – without doubt – and the source is psychological, the unconscious utilizing the body to manifest certain suffering or rage or whatever emotion the conscious self is unable to bear. Sometimes, we might assume our experience matters solely only through expression as bodily symptoms. We continually disrespect our minds personally, in social contexts and culturally; how else would we tolerate the terrible elimination of mental health treatments on the NHS?

Personal insights have revealed that a better life is unattainable if we remain trapped unconsciously in ways of relating, inside us and socially, that stem from disrespect, exploitation and transaction. Such patterns are frequently more straightforward to spot “in the world” in broader culture. It may be harder to think about their origins, and to identify these forms inside us and among loved ones, in the workings of our mental lives.

Yet it’s worth persevering. After donning my running shoes once more post a long hiatus, going outside not for physical improvement, or to eliminate a sensation, or to beat a personal best, {it